You Are A Good Mom

I'm finding that some of the things I want to write about are more like diary entries, but I guess I want to post this in the hope that I'm not the only person who has ever felt this way.

The first time someone ever told me I would be a good Mom was when I was 16. My family was visiting my great-grandma, my Dad's dad's mom, to be specific. She was known to all of us as Grammy Bunny because she was born on Easter. Her actual name is Bernice, and I have her middle name as my middle name, too. She is very dear to my heart. Sometime during our visit she gently took my hand and looked in my eyes and said quietly, "You will be a good mother." It was the blessing of a beloved grandmother, and I have kept it as such in my heart.

The next time I remember someone saying that to me was years later after I was married but before we had Tayvin. I was reading a book at a family gathering at Jeremy's parent's home and his nieces and nephews asked what I was reading. I told them a little about the book, and then they asked what it was about. So I set my book down and summarized the book, pretty much telling them a story. They actually sat there, with rapt attention, listening to me. Afterwards Jeremy's Mom came up to me and said, "You'll be a good mom."

I'm sure there have been other times when my Mom or others might have told me that, but those are the two that I remember most. I've been thinking about them a lot lately because I haven't felt like a good Mom. Sometimes I yell at Tayvin. I spank him when he is naughty. Sometimes I am ready to ship Tayvin off to Grandma's permanently because I hate being his Mom. I've been feeling that way more frequently as Tayvin is growing up and becoming more of a little person who wants things his way.

I finally talked to Jeremy tonight about how I've been feeling (this is not the first time we've talked about it, nor will it be the last). And he gave me the reminder I needed. Many people in our church have said that Tayvin is very well-behaved for a child his age. He can take his dinner plate to the trash can, dump the extra food and then put his plate in the sink. He loves to take out the trash. Tayvin will randomly give me hugs and loves to snuggle. He wants me to play with him, instead of leaving him alone. He is learning words and phrases and has eaten vegetables of his own will and choice (although not every night). He is in no way neglected and gets lots of hugs and kisses and play time every day.

So, am I a bad Mom? Is it bad to feel a desire to beat your child? It would be bad to give in to that desire. Is it bad to want to sign over the adoption papers for your child and wave goodbye with a mad grin? No, because there is no way I could ever let someone take my child from me. I'm thinking that most Moms have felt that way before. It probably means that it is time to take 5 minutes and re-realize that you are the Mom, not the 2-year-old, and you have more patience and self-control than a 2-year-old. And that you need some chocolate. This has distilled into two truths for me:

1. Good parenting is not beating or neglecting your children. (There is obviously more to it, but some days accomplishing those two things are victories in and of themselves.)
2. Growing up is learning how not to act like a 2-year-old. (Which sounds like a "duh!" idea, but how many adults suddenly develop the patience and self-control of a toddler when they are driving, hmm?)

I honestly thought I was a bad mom. That I could never be as good as the women I see around me and read about and hear about. And then I had another experience I need to remember. My husband looked me in the eyes and said, "You are a good Mom." And I finally realized that he was right.